Uncle Pilot

everythinginthesky: [A COUPLE STANDS OUTSIDE A JAPANESE...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 14:43:01 -0600

[A COUPLE STANDS OUTSIDE A JAPANESE RESTAURANT.]

Woman: Oooh, let’s go here. I hear you can get one of those sushi-girls. You know, where you eat it right off their naked, writhing body? It sounds so authentic.

[CUT TO A FEW MINUTES LATER - THE COUPLE ARE SAT DOWN INSIDE. A WAITER ROLLS OVER A GURNEY UPON WHICH LIES A GIRL, NAKED, FACE BLANK, COVERED IN SUSHI. THE COUPLE BEGIN EATING.]

Woman: Oooh, so authentic. So. Authentic. *whispers to the sushi-girl* You’re so authentic.
Man: Let’s eat.

[THE COUPLE BEGIN EATING. LOOKS OF MILD CONCERN CROSS THEIR FACES.]

Woman: …is yours warm? This is pretty warm.
Man: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. I’m gonna send it back.
Woman: Oh honey, don’t make a scene. *whispers to the sushi-girl* He always makes a scene. *the sushi-girl blinks once, slowly*
Man: No, no. We paid for this. I’m not paying for warm sushi. Here, waiter. Waiter, over here.
Waiter: Yes, sir?
Man: We’d like to send this back. *waves vaguely at the naked sushi-girl* This, this sushi’s too warm.
Waiter: Oh, of course, sir. I’m so sorry. Of course, we’ll get you a new one. *leans in to the sushi-girl, whispers fiercely* Why is it always you, Michelle. It’s always you. God.

[THE WAITER WHEELS THE SUSHI-GIRL AWAY, RETURNS WITH A NEW GIRL COVERED IN SUSHI. THE COUPLE BEGIN EATING.]

Woman: Oh, this is better. *leans in to the sushi-girl* You’re so much better.
Man: See, aren’t you glad we ‘made a scene’.

[FADE A FEW MINUTES LATER AND THE COUPLE SLOWLY STOP EATING. THE WAITER APPEARS.]

Waiter: Everyone okay now, sir?
Man: Fantastic, yes, thank you. Could we get the rest of this to go?
Waiter: Of course.

[CUT TO THE WAITER HANDING THE MAN A VERY FOIL SWAN WITH A PAIR OF NAKED LEGS STICKING OUT THE SIDE. CUT TO THE COUPLE UNWRAPPING THE NAKED GIRL, STILL COVERED IN SUSHI, AT THEIR COUNTER AT HOME, BEFORE PLACING HER IN THE FRIDGE. FADE TO WHAT’S CLEARLY A FEW DAYS LATER. THE MAN’S TIE IS UNDONE, CLEARLY JUST HOME AFTER WORK, AND HE’S ROOTING AROUND IN THE FRIDGE FOR SOMETHING TO EAT. HE MOVES A JAR OF MAYONAISE ASIDE AND FINDS THE NAKED SUSHI-GIRL SAT BEHIND IT.]

Man: Ugh. Honey? HONEY? I’m gonna throw out that sushi from a few days ago, okay? You don’t want it?
Woman: Oh, no. Throw it away.

[THE MAN STRUGGLES TO PULL THE NAKED SUSHI-GIRL OUT OF THE FRIDGE. SUSHI DROPS EVERYWHERE. HE PLACES HER AWKWARDLY IN THE BIN. SHE’S SAT UPRIGHT IN THE BING, HER LEGS SPILLLING OUT. SHE SITS IN IT QUIETLY, EYES OPEN. THE MAN MAKES ANNOYED NOISES, CLEANS UP THE SPILT SUSHI, MAKES HIMSELF A SANDWICH. HE LEAVES THE KITCHEN. THE SUSHI-GIRL SITS QUIETLY IN THE BIN, FACE BLANK, BLINKING ONLY OCCASIONALLY. IT RAPIDLY BECOMES DARK AND THE KITCHEN IS LIT ONLY BY MOONLIGHT COMING THROUGH A WINDOW.
SITTING IN THE MOONLIGHT IN THE KITCHEN, NAKED, HER LEGS SPILLING AWKWARDLY OUT, HER FACE DISPLAYING NO OTHER EMOTION, A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN THE NAKED SUSHI-GIRL’S FACE.]

it8bit: Jackpot! Image by Emily Getman

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 09:37:45 -0600

it8bit:

Jackpot!

Image by Emily Getman

Photo

Wed, 08 Feb 2012 14:20:42 -0600

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: National Heartbreak Day!

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:50:14 -0600

GIRLS ARE PRETTY: National Heartbreak Day!:

girlsareprettyforever:

You run a website called National Heartbreak. It’s basically an electronic classifieds section that announces to its subscribers when a love has died. People go on National Heartbreak to announce their breakups, their divorces, their long-standing secret crushes that were confessed and found to be…

really really really trying: HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY FROM ANY PLACE YOU CHOOSE

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:29:25 -0600

really really really trying: HOW TO MAKE YOURSELF DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY FROM ANY PLACE YOU CHOOSE:

reallyreallyreallytrying:

— Crouch down on the ground. Bring your knees together. Bring your butt as close to your ankles as your current level of flexibility will allow.

— Wrap your arms around your legs and tuck your fingers into the bend of your knees. Will your fingers go in? Test this manoeuvre out at home. If they…

nevver: I’ve Wasted My Life

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 12:54:27 -0600

nevver:

I’ve Wasted My Life

inky: Disclaimer: Facial hair sold separately.

Wed, 07 Dec 2011 16:57:40 -0600

inky:

Disclaimer: Facial hair sold separately.

nedhepburn: Shane Hawley’s simply brilliant three minute poem...

Wed, 26 Oct 2011 19:04:02 -0500

nedhepburn:

Shane Hawley’s simply brilliant three minute poem about Wile E. Coyote at the semifinals for the National Poetry Slam.

3liza: I’m removing the source on this because I don’t actually...

Thu, 20 Oct 2011 19:20:48 -0500

3liza:

I’m removing the source on this because I don’t actually want to make it easy for anyone to buy this bullshit.

I want to remind everyone that Bill Watterson has always been very clear on his opinion of putting his characters onto merchandise, and has found a decades-long battle against illegal use of his images that both cheapen the C&H legacy, and hijack income from their creator.

Here’s a speech from 1989, in which Bill Watterson speaks about the cheapening of newspaper comics, and the syndicates’ misuse of licensed characters: http://web.archive.org/web/20060210115506/http://hobbes.ncsa.uiuc.edu/comics.html#license

Not only that, but the joke here is so awful that it makes one wonder if the “artist” has actually ever read Calvin and Hobbes, or played Portal. “Glados” is a box that is also two portals, a foot apart? Oh good, and a cake joke. I miss 2007, too.

idrawnintendo: I think I finally realized the moral of Super...

Mon, 03 Oct 2011 16:44:38 -0500

idrawnintendo:

I think I finally realized the moral of Super Mario Bros.

it8bit: Ms. Pac-Man Left Alone - photo by Michaela Johnson

Tue, 27 Sep 2011 07:00:33 -0500

it8bit:

Ms. Pac-Man Left Alone - photo by Michaela Johnson

"If there were a late-night comedy show completely run by comedy writers, without any interference..."

Wed, 14 Sep 2011 20:42:26 -0500

“If there were a late-night comedy show completely run by comedy writers, without any interference from a host, producer, or network, that show would probably be called The Darkest and Most Impossibly Horrible Things You Can Imagine, Presented as Comedy. Every sketch would end with a gunshot or an infant’s stroller engulfed in flames, and the show would be canceled halfway through its opening titles. That’s because most comedy writers are so inured by humor that only the most shockingly toxic ideas can achieve the proper velocity to penetrate their indifference.”

- Conan writer Todd Levin on how jokes die, for GOOD Magazine “Just Like That but Funny” (via lonelysandwich)
If I went with 90% of the stuff I first come up with when writing something for my copywriting gig, I’d like to think it would come pretty close to this.

The Paris Review: Dorothy Parker, The Art of Fiction No. 13

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 11:09:25 -0500

paperbackgirl:

INTERVIEWER

What, then, would you say is the source of most of your work?

PARKER

Need of money, dear.

INTERVIEWER

And besides that?

PARKER

It’s easier to write about those you hate—just as it’s easier to criticize a bad play or a bad book.

Fingers Turned Into Fists - the doyouinverts (feat. Mathew...

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 10:07:00 -0500

Fingers Turned Into Fists - the doyouinverts (feat. Mathew Kumar)

(lyrics by Mathew Kumar)

I was born bleeding on a pub toilet floor
My father came in, took one look at me
And said this is all he’ll ever know

But as the clocks moved forward my fingers grew to fists
Fists like his, but I didn’t use them on her
I built them to wrap around joystick and hammer on buttons
Because my desperate blinkers had narrowed a route to blinking lights

The floors were sticky and the air was thick
Just like he said was all I’d ever know
But my coins could chime me new beginnings
And take me where he could never be

My fights? My fights were perfect, sweeping down, forward, up, fierce
My patterns? My patterns were flawless, cherries, apples, keys and crowns
I could burst bubbles and cast down rainbows like a passing breeze
I had power… I had power, and I was sure nothing could take that away from me, nothing

Nothing

I thought I could be free
I knew I could be free, as long as I had that escape
But clocks keep moving and lights blink out
And eventually, my fists had nowhere to go

There was nowhere to go.

Back bleeding on that pub bathroom floor
My father took one last look at me
And said this is all I’d ever know

Photo

Sun, 04 Sep 2011 20:00:24 -0500

Video

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 16:56:17 -0500

Photo

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 17:30:13 -0500

mollycrabapple: For Warren Ellis, and every other writer...

Thu, 04 Aug 2011 08:21:25 -0500

mollycrabapple:

For Warren Ellis, and every other writer battling a word count. Kill your Wordbeast, comrades

it8bit: Zona Arcade - Japan Expo Paris 2011 - photo by Gerard...

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 13:28:02 -0500

it8bit:

Zona Arcade - Japan Expo Paris 2011 - photo by Gerard Girbes

jackscoresby: knitmeapony: cabell: Diana: What’s wrong,...

Fri, 29 Jul 2011 11:22:03 -0500

jackscoresby:

knitmeapony:

cabell:

Diana: What’s wrong, little one?
Girl: They won’t let me play pirates with them.
Diana: And why not?
Girl: Because, I’m the girl and they need someone to save. It’s okay, I don’t even know how to sword fight.
Diana: Neither do they, in battle they’d be slaughtered instantly. Would you like me to teach you how to sword fight? They’re using the horizontal cut, but in close like they are the thrust is a better move as it’s more likely to cause real injury and less likely to be blocked by your opponent. Do you understand?
Girl: Uh-huh.
Diana: Now go, unleash hell.

I love this SO MUCH.

“Now go, unleash hell.” Oh Diana. YOU ARE ALWAYS MY FAVORITE.

This is part of my point. You won’t see Batman or Superman doing awesome real-world shit like this.